Coping From Infidelity

Coping From Infidelity

“There is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft… When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife’s right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness.” – The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini

 

With having more mediums to hide and secretly enjoy the breach of boundaries, how often do we hear about cheating/infidelity around us! Being cheated on is one of the toughest things to accept, because it feels like an extension of rejection but with highest level of disrespect, lies and manipulation involved, all mischievously coated in the name of love. And all of it done very intentionally. The aftermath of discovering partner’s infidelity sometimes can be so devastating, for you reach new level of intensities in emotions along with mental traumas and a direct questioning on self-worth. 

     And then there are times when you get so close to someone that you end up on the other side of them.
 

You will want to take control of all of it, but you can’t control anyone’s loyalty. No matter how much good you have been to them, it doesn’t mean they will treat you the same, and no matter how much they mean to you, it doesn’t mean they’ll value you the same. Unfortunately, across all forms of relations, sometimes the people you love the most turn out to be the people you can trust the least. There was a time when you’d blindly believe in magic, now you even question the reality. 

In the immediate period of discovery, it’s better not to haste into taking any major decisions; But a basic immediate action on personal level will have to be taken to begin the overcoming and healing process.

 

  1. Come to terms with reality, denial will only make it worse: Accepting something like this takes time because there is so much of grief and disbelief around it. You might happen to question if there was anything genuine at all about so many moments that you shared together, that while you were trusting and getting comfortable with the partner, you were simply being lied/manipulated. The mistake of planning future with someone who himself/herself doesn’t have a future plan can cost you a lot. For now, just accept things as they are. Mourn, but don’t just stay there for too long. 
  1. Identify whether you even want that relationship anymore: This step is very critical but necessary. In cases of marriages and children, there are more factors that needs to be considered and it will require much more courage to come to a decision. The confrontation period with your partner will tell you a lot about what you’ve got to do next. On either front of the decisions that you take, plan the best way for yourself to deal with the sudden change of life plans and the grief and uncertainty that comes along with it. You can only move on if you accept that it’s happened. Take decisions that will genuinely complement the future you want.
  1. It had nothing to do with you: Victims of infidelity happen to blame themselves for what happened. You are accountable for your actions only, someone else cheating on you tells a lot about them, not you. Everyone functions with their standards and knowledge of things, what might be terribly wrong for you might not necessarily be wrong for them.  
  1. Take your time to heal:  Mentally, thank the universe for having discovered all this for it helped you get out of a delusion and to bring you closer to reality (easier said than done, but this attitude will save you from having ill feelings). For today you are away from the lies and manipulations; And now you have the space for better and true things to come long. Real connections exist, true love exists, relationships without infidelity exist – you’re now available for the things that matter to you. Take your time to heal, talk to yourself as kindly as possible.
  1. Let them go, in every way: If they knew to have a better conduct, they might have kept a better conduct. Even the people who cheat on their partners will expect loyalty in return. You can’t do much about the illusion that goes around in cheating spouses’/partners’ mind. Infidelity breaks families, it shatters many lives directly & indirectly. Every time anyone has cheated on their spouse/partner, it has been a conscious choice, every single time. Let go them and their decisions. Memories will haunt, words and broken promises will leave you sleepless for days. Cutting off, estrangement or ending a relationship may bring safety to you, it may also begin the process of achieving closure. But unfortunately it doesn’t always ensure peace or healing. That is something only and only you can decide for yourself.
  1. You heal by releasing, not suppressing.
  2. See it coming that things are going to terribly suck for a while, but it wont last forever.
  3. There is immense power in silence. It’s fine if you don’t feel like talking to anybody, but talk kindly to yourself till then.
  4. Take help from people who you can trust to deal with this if you want to. Professional help can be sought with openness.
  5. Keep your cool . You will want to keep saying nasty things to the person who cheated on you, but detach completely from them. Why give access of you any longer? 
  6. Indulge in activities that brings you calm and peace – art, sports, cooking, travelling,etc. Do all these things not to get away from them, but to get closer to yourself.
  7. Take a break from surroundings that remind you of them for a while if possible.
  8. You will never have any answer to “How could he/she do this to me?” Don’t seek out for this.
  9. When someone you love so much does horrible things to you, you lose trust in love and struggle to trust people. But try not to limit yourself because of their deeds. I agree people like them exists and things might get repeated. But people like you exist too and things might happen differently.
  10. If the patterns keep repeating with you, then there might be something still unhealed within you. Accept and work gracefully towards it.

Maybe why we find it so hard to get over love affairs, is not because its the pain we are getting over but it’s what we thought was love. I truly hope you find love but more importantly, I hope you’re strong enough to walk away from what love isn’t. You’re too precious to lose yourself just because someone else didn’t have enough morals and strength. The same cosmic energies that has protected you will guide you eventually to where you will be able to create best things for you, trust it. It will take time, but this too shall pass.

 

Love,

Madhvi Panchal

 

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Madhvi Panchal

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